Do You Have Any Idea What I Went Through in Captivity?
by lovedanniruah
Summary: Based off the interrogation with Kensi and Wallace. Doing all of the scenes that I think should've been included. Kensi's torture in detail. Told in her POV. A little bit of AU. The team is also mentioned. (Also Kensi's thoughts on Deeks) ;)
1. Chapter 1

When they first took me, they put a bag over my head and put me on what felt like a horse. I almost fell asleep but every time I closed my eyes, I was jolted by the horse, who was stumbling on the rocks.

I had no idea where I was going. But if Jack really was the White Ghost, then he would help me. Unless his mind hadn't been brainwashed by the Taliban. After what seemed like forever, someone pushed me off. I fell, scraping myself on a rock. They led me somewhere echoy. Probably a cave of some sorts. They pulled it off.

I was in a little part of the cave. The entrance guarded. A little fire burned and they shoved me down. One yelled something in Pashto and another threw a heavy wrap to me. They left me alone.

I was freezing, even with the fire. I pulled the wrap over my head and body and pulled my knees up to my chest. I felt so tired. I just wanted to die. But I knew they were going to make my death longer if Jack didn't show up.

A Talib threw a bowl at me. My dinner. Scraps.

"My name is Kensi Blye." I told him in the little Pashto I knew.

He didn't care.

"I need to speak to the one you call the White Ghost!" I yelled. "Spin Pariy?" But he left. I grunted. I wondered what the guys were doing now. I pulled out the little photo I had of them. It was all of us, Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell, Hetty... and Deeks.

I knew that in order not to compromise them, I needed to burn it. I kissed it, don't judge. And I threw it into the fire. I tried to lie down and hoped that the new day would be better.

I was awoke a few hours later with someone kicking me. My back complained. I groaned and opened my eyes. More food. I finally just told myself to suck it up, because I might not get anymore. I took a bite and nearly barfed. I threw it aside. I noticed someone talking with someone else. A man I haven't seen in a long time. A man by the name of Jack Simon.

"Jack!" I yelled. "Jack, it's Kensi. I'm here!"

He looked at me with shock, but that didn't last long, since the men started hitting him until he passed out.

"Jack!" I yelled. But I knew there was nothing I could do. I just started to process this. Jack couldn't be the White Ghost. If he was, why did they beat him?

I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea.

**Kind of short but plan to skip over their conversation in the next chapter, but to do what happened after the fire went out. Review? Follow? Fave? **


	2. Chapter 2

I numb. After they took away Jack, I was pulled. My arms were tied, and my legs were tied together. At least I wasn't getting... you know what.

"Where's Jack?" I moaned.

Soon, he was tied next to me again. Farther. He looked at me, I looked at him. We were both scared. Maybe I was a little more.

Come on, Blye, I told myself. Fight.

The first guy came and punched me in the face. I groaned. My nose started bleeding. Another one came and started punching Jack. I was screaming for him to stop. Jack's groans and moans were making it worse. The other one kept punching me too.

"Please!" I cried. "Stop!" I was in so much pain, it hurt when I took a breath. Probably a broken rib. The tears were clogging my eyes and I felt like dying.

Please find me soon. I begged Deeks. Wherever you are.

They stopped. Only for a bit though. They came over and had a sword. This is it, I thought. But he cut my arm. Deeply. I winced in pain again. Maybe not winced. Maybe more like cried. They just let it bleed. One came over with a knife

I was terrified. So scared, I was petrified. One made a small cut and I winced. They untied me and shoved me on the ground. They did the exact same with Jack.

"Act dead!" yelled the one. He had what looked like a camera. I didn't have to pretend. I felt like dying already. Then it got me thinking. What if they sent this to someone? What if they sent it to NCIS? What if Deeks and the boys saw it? Would they give up? They probably don't even know that I'm here.

A little tear slivered out of my eye. Deeks. Why can't you help me, Deeks? Now I really wished that I never burned the photo. They left us alone, except for two that were eating in the corner.

I went back to that time with Deeks. After dinner. His body felt so close and I felt so happy and in a place I wanted to be in, yet worried at the same time.

_"What's wrong?" he asked. _

_"You know if we do this, this changes everything." I said. _

_"So what do you want to do?" he asked,_

_"I don't want to have to have to choose." I said, the tears welling up. _

_"Then don't choose." he said. _

_"You know that's not how it works. What do you think is going to happen?" _

_"I don't know. I don't care." he said._

_"What are you doing to me, Deeks?" my voice cracking. _

_"Falling in love with you." he said, kissing me. _

Mu thoughts were interrupted by a hit to my head. I groaned.

"Wake up." said the Talib. I wanted to die. I felt woozy too. I'd lost so much blood from the arm, I'm surprised that I survived until now.

He punched me again. "Wake up, ah." His creepy smile bore into my soul. Maybe not into my soul, but definitely enough to keep me scared.

"You're CIA, ha" asked the man, holding my head up by my hair.

"I told you, I am not." I said. I got punched again. This time, harder and having the metallic taste of blood fill my mouth.

He yelled something in a language I didn't understand and another one tossed him a sword. I gasped and started freaking out.

"Most people believe that we chop off head quickly." he said, pointing it at my neck. We saw it off, slowly, ah."

I started freaking out and gasping until I started crying. Where were you when I needed you, Deeks?

**This chapter was a mix of the photo taking, (the one they found in the cave) and the deleted Densi kiss, which you can find on You Tube. Review? How am I doing? **


	3. Chapter 3

After the heavy beatings we had everyday, I was feeling like giving up. It's been two weeks. Two weeks of hell. Two weeks of having to go through endless beatings. Two weeks of seeing my ex-fiancé being beaten with me.

Jack and I were pulled together. I rested my head on his shoulder and thought of the past. When we first got engaged. He had come back from Iraq.

_"Jack, are you positive?" I asked. Jack had just told me he was going to get the Christmas tree by himself. After Iraq. _

_"Yes, Kensi. I already-" his eyes went wide. He was having another episode._

_"Jack!" I yelled. I grabbed his hand. "Jack, it's Kensi. You're not over there. You're home. You're with me." _

_"Kensi! They had you and they were closing in on us." he said. I buried myself into his arms. _

_"I'm safe, Jack. I said. "I have you." _

_He left that night. _

"Kens, you alright?" he whispered. I really wasn't. My head wound was bleeding, I threw up a few times yesterday from being punched so much, and my whip wounds were on fire. I'm not feeling like bringing up that memory again, let's just say it was worse than anything I'd ever felt before.

"Not really." I whispered. I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my head lightly. He like he did before. I had tears almost flowing down my tears.

"Kens, don't worry. They'll probably leave us here. Who knows?" he whispered.

Notice he didn't say "They'll find us, Kens." or "We'll be okay." A few man came over. I clung to Jack. I was afraid of being... you know what. But they didn't. A girl came over. She was probably an orphan. A child soldier or something like that. They yelled at her to do something and she got a knife and cut our rope off. Only the one holding us together. We were still tied, our hands behind our back. One pulled me against the wall.

I was sobbing now. Afraid. Take me now, I prayed. But they shoved a rag into my mouth. They moved us outside. The sunlight burned my eyes. It had been so long since I had been outside. They put some sort of necklace on me. But when it jabbed my back, I realized it was a gun.

They were sending us on a death march. Goodbye, Deeks. Goodbye everyone. Tell my mother I loved her.

They pushed us and we moved farther away from our prison.


	4. Chapter 4

I felt like hell. Climbing a mountain by foot when you're already weak, malnourished and in pain is tough. But what makes it even tougher is knowing that, unless a miracle happens, which probably won't in your case, you'll never see the people you love ever again.

Jack overheard them talking about taking us to Pakistan and either selling us or using us as suicide bombers. I would much rather be killed. Maybe I would have some luck up the mountain.

They made us rest for a bit. We sat next to each other. We couldn't eat or drink anything, since they were probably afraid that if they took our gags out, that we'd yell for help. Even if someone heard us, I doubt they'd come. They'd be smart enough not to. Rescuing worthless prisoners, well maybe not worthless, but rescuing some other prisoners of the Taliban was a suicide mission. You'd be dead before you could even see us.

I looked at him. He looked back. We just looked at each other. At least we might die together. I sighed. They started yelling at me. They dragged Jack up, but I didn't feel like it. The Talib yelled at me again. I ignored him. He and another one lifted me up and threw me to the ground. I hit my head. It wasn't a concussion. Hopefully.

I heard yelling from a distance. Most of the men who were hiking with us ran off with their weapons, while some guarded us. They took us under a shelf of rock. Jack looked at me again. Probably to ask if I was okay.

I shook my head. I just was exhausted. Kill me already, I thought. We sat there for about half an hour. I was just so tired. Just as I was about to fall asleep, someone pulled me up. Now they're going to kill me, I thought. I had my "leash" put on me again, leash meaning rope around my neck with a gun to my back. They pulled Jack up too. They made us walk up the little hill, until we reached the group of Talibs.

The girl, who was in the cave, walked us down. There I saw them. My team. They were alive. I was alive. I was going. to live! But I was in too much pain to celebrate. Honestly, I would've been much happier if they beheaded me when they first got me. After I cleared things with Jack.

I noticed Sam and Callen's faces when they saw me. A look of concern. Once I was handed off to them, I got the gun taken off of me, and Sam pulled out my gag.

"You alright?" he asked.

I couldn't lie. Not looking like Bad Ass Blye now. They'd know I'm lying. "No." I groaned.

"They beat her up pretty bad." said Jack. I had to agree with him.

"Let's get the wounded on the chopper!" yelled Callen. "We got more coming for us."

Sam helped me into the copter. He put his arm around me. I almost tripped climbing in, and I fell into Jack's lap. He held me, and I didn't want to let go. Deeks climbed in too. I pretended like I didn't notice. Once we landed back at base, the doctors took the more critically wounded into surgery while Jack and I were also hurried into the medical tent. They pulled a curtain around me and my doctor, a woman, came over.

"Hello, Agent Blye. I'm Doctor Luther, I'll be looking over you." she said with urgency in her voice. She cut away my shirts and helped me down on the bed. She put anesthetics on my whip wounds and I winced. It stung.

"Sorry." she said. She bandaged them and patched up my head wound. She cleaned my arm wound and bandaged that too. She gave me a black sweater and pants to change into with some boots. I changed and left the tent. I noticed Jack sitting on the bench outside.

"Hey." I said.

"Hi." he smiled. "I'm waiting for Khatira to come out." So that's what the girl's name was. We stood up. He hugged me. I hugged him back tightly. Did I still love him? I don't know, but I still cared for him.

"Whenever I can, I'll be in touch." he said, rubbing his hands on my shoulders.

"Take off." I said. "Granger won't be able to hold off the CIA for long." He smiled and walked off. That's when I noticed Deeks. They both talked for a bit until he came over. I still couldn't keep my eyes off Jack.

"Hey." he said. I didn't say anything.

"Sabitino and Sajadi are out of surgery. Doc says they're going to be okay." he said.

"Thank god." I said softly. "That's good."

"I'm just glad you're alive." he said. Tears started welling up. I pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back tightly.

"How come you never hug me like that?" Callen asked Sam from behind us. We let go and turned around."

"They're laying out a spread for us in mess. Wheel's up in 2 hours, and Granger got us a direct flight into Edwards." said Sam.

"Thank you, guys. For what you did." I said. Still not Bad Ass Blye yet, but I don't think they care. Sam nodded and they both left. We stood there for a bit. I watched Jack.

"It was really bad." I managed to say. Then the tears came.

"It's okay, come here." he said, pulling me into his arms. All of that pain came out now. I sobbed into his shoulder. He rocked me.

"It's okay, I got you." he said. I kept on sobbing.

"We're going home." he said, his voice cracking. "We're going home."

**DO NOT WORRY! Still continuing this story! So keep the reviews coming. Keep favoring and following it! Thx for loving this story. My goal is to get at least 50 followers! **


	5. Chapter 5

I didn't eat much during mess. Sam and Callen couldn't stop drinking water, probably from the desert. Deeks couldn't eat much either. After my breakdown, I ran back into my tent and just cried myself to sleep. If you could call it sleep. More like a restless blur.

"Kens, you alright?" asked Sam.

"Fine." I whispered. I wasn't in the mood. Sam and Callen looked at each other. They knew I said fine, which meant I wasn't, but I didn't care. People judge me enough already. I excused myself and went outside. I needed some Vitamin D, after being in a cave for so long.

I looked around the looming mountains. They looked beautiful from here, but the horrors that hid behind them were a different story. I never wanted to come back. Hetty would never let me. Hetty. What was going to happen to Hetty? She organized this whole operation, what if they went from me to her.

What was also going to happen to me? When they find out that I left on purpose, consequences would arise. But I could barely think straight, let alone work.

"You ready, Kens?" asked Callen. "We're going to take the chopper over to the air field."

"Yeah." I smiled as though I was okay. "I'll go get my bag." Once I grabbed it from my cot in the tent, I followed Sam and Deeks down to the chopper. But I could barely carry mine. When I dropped it, Deeks came and took it. He put his arm around my shoulder. I felt glad that he did that. Because I was more affected on the inside than what you could see on the outside.

I took a seat next to Deeks and buckled in. I rested my head on his shoulder. Every time I tried to fall asleep on the ride, I would be haunted by a memory. Deeks must've felt me do it since he looked over at me and put his arm around my shoulder. I noticed Sam and Callen watching. I honestly didn't care. I think that they just felt bad for us.

"Deeks?" I whispered.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Just wanted to make sure you were there." I said.

"Don't worry, Fern. I'm not going anywhere." he said, kissing my head. The man who held the sword to my throat came back. I shook him off but he was coming back. My eyes were getting teary again. But before I could start crying, we landed at the airstrip.

The boys helped carry in some supplies into the cargo hold while I got myself settled. I couldn't believe it. I was going home. I was going to see my mother, Nell, Eric, everyone. It got me thinking. What if I hadn't survived? What if they never found me? I took off my seatbelt and went into the bathroom.

"Only a minute, Blye." I told myself. I cried fir a tiny bit until I heard a knock at the door.

"Kens, you okay?" asked Sam.

"Good." I said. "I'll be out in a minute!" I washed my face and went back into my seat. A few hours in, Callen and Sam fell asleep while I was awake. Deeks was on the verge of sleeping.

"Kens, can you sleep?" he asked.

"No." I whispered. He put his arm around me and I loosened my seatbelt so I could get comfortable on his shoulder.

"There you go." he said. "Just wake me if you need anything."

I fell into darkness.

_In my dream I was falling. _

_"Blye! Where is he!" yelled my torturer. _

_"I don't know!" I yelled back. Everything in my body was screaming in pain. _

_"Are you CIA!" he yelled. _

_"No!" I sobbed. "I'm not!" _

_"Stop lying!" he yelled again. His face became Deeks'. _

_"Kens!" he yelled. "Kensi!" _

I woke up and saw him. He looked worried. So did Sam and Callen. My face was wet with tears. I hugged him tightly.

"They were- They w-w-were t-torturing me!" I sobbed.

"I know, Kens. They're not here anymore. None of them are here on this earth anymore." he said, stroking my hair. "We're almost home."

I couldn't stop trembling. Deeks looked at me. His eyes softened me.

"I thought I'd never see you again." I said.

"Well, you were wrong." said Deeks. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

I smiled lightly when he said that. I just dozed on and off, the nightmares waking me up every time.

**Woah! Tons of followers! I'm so excited for this story and I can't wait for more amazing Densi/Afghanistan scenes. I'll do a chapter when Kensi's at home. **

**I AM ALSO IN NEED OF A BETA READER! PLEASE CONTACT ME BY PM TO TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO. **


	6. Chapter 6

After coming home from the airport, I dropped my bag on the floor and fell onto my couch. Only then did I realize that the place was clean.

"Deeks." I said, rolling my eyes. I grabbed a blanket and curled up on my couch, trying to sleep. Every time I closed her eyes, I kept seeing images flashing. The man hitting her, Jack, everything. I 'woke up' crying.

"Come on, Kensi." I told myself. "You can do it. The past is just the past." I tried to get some food, thinking that would help me. My feet were freezing on the cold kitchen floor, but I told myself to suck it up and opened the cabinet. It was full. Of non perishable food, maybe. I grabbed a chocolate chip granola bar and sat on my couch, thinking how this was my first time since... it... happened. Tears began again. I couldn't do it anymore. I needed him.

I dialed his number and just after the second ring, he picked up.

"Kens?" he asked. "Do you need anything?" Just after hearing his voice, I just broke down.

"Kensi! Kensi, I'll be there in 5 minutes, I promise." he said, his voice full of concern. I was still crying when he came.

He raced to the couch and pulled me into his arms. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here, I'm here." he whispered into my ear. I laid my head on his shoulder.

"It just keeps coming back." I sniffled.

"I know. I've been through the same thing. But, hey. Do you know what helped me sleep?" he asked, looking into my teary, puffy eyes. "You." I smiled a sad smile.

He lied down on the couch and opened his arms. I got down next to him. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too, Fern." he whispered, kissing my hair. He touched my back. I winced, he touched my wounds from the whipping.

"Sorry!" he yelped.

"No, it's fine. That's not even the worst." I said. It was true.

"I know. So let's focus on the things that are more important. Like me, and sleep." he said.

I smiled. "How are you so perfect?" I asked.

"No idea." he said. He kissed her cheek. "Now, let's sleep." I curled up next to him and actually slept for the first time in ages.

The next morning, I woke up earlier and found that Deeks was still there. Sleeping and snoring a bit. His scruff was tickling my cheek. I kissed him lightly and went into the bathroom. I washed my face, washing away the tears and pain from the night before.

I never really realized how much I loved him. Since I had almost lost him, and everyone I loved, I never realized how much I loved his laugh, or his eyes. His voice or even his presence, how it made me so happy to be there right next to him.

"Kens! I need to pee! You done?" asked Deeks from the other side of the door.

"Almost!" I yelled back. I looked at herself in the mirror. I touched my cheek and my face. "You're alive." I whispered. "You survived." I felt the healing scar that was on my temple. "Barely." I added. She put on some face cream and opened the door.

"Hey, there." he said. "I might go to work, but if you want, I can stay." I did want him to stay. He was the one that caught me when I fell, the one I trusted. But I didn't want to seem weak.

"Kens, you won't seem weak to me." he said, his eyes full of concern. "Don't shut us out."

"Maybe you could stay." I said shyly.

"Good, because Hetty gave us all the week off. So you're stuck with me, sugar bear." he said. "Now, what for breakfast?" As he went into the kitchen, I honestly felt like crying. I got so lucky in Afghanistan. I was so thankful that I didn't kill myself over there. Maybe if I didn't have to bring back memories.

**I just need 2 more followers to reach my goal! This story is also on Wattpad. My wattpadd username is clairangelie101 if you wanted to read some of my non fan fic stories. How am I doing? **


	7. Chapter 7

After some watching movies on the couch, and eating breakfast, Deeks looked at me and asked me the terrible question.

"Kens, what happened?" he asked.

"Deeks, I don't know if I want to talk about it." I said, looking away from him.

"Kens," he said, grabbing my shoulders. "Don't do this to me. Don't shut me out."

"I'm not." I said, wriggling away. "When you were tortured, whenever anyone asked, did it bring back memories?"

"Yes, but, Kensi-" he started.

"No, Deeks. Just go to work. Tell them I'm okay. I'll call you if I need something." I said.

"Kens, what if I'm undercover. What if I die?" he asked, looking into my eyes. His blue eyes, the color of the ocean, pierced my heart. Just remembering what I almost lost, tears began to flood my eyes. He pulled me into a hug, one that I needed badly. I hugged him back, and let the tears roll down my face.

"Kensi, you're safe. Don't worry." he said, stroking my hair. I sniffled. I hated myself for being weak. "Kens, they're not here anymore, okay."

"I know." I said, my voice cracking. "It's just the memories won't leave."

"Just think of me, and your team." he said, looking at me.

"That's what triggers them." I said, softly.

"What?" he asked. "You should see Nate."

"I'm fine." I said, even though we both knew that what I said wasn't true at all.

"Kens, you're not. You need some help." said Deeks. He sounded really concerned.

"Just go, Deeks." I said pulling away. "Hetty needs you."

"I don't care. I'm sure Hetty would much rather have me here so you won't kill yourself, instead or chasing bad guys who are going to die anyway." said Deeks. Does he ever take a hint?

"Deeks!" I yelled, my temper exploding. "It's MY house! LEAVE!" He seemed taken aback and then headed towards the door.

"Call me if you need anything." he said, softly. And left. I watched him leave and then began to cry. I couldn't take this anymore. I didn't want to live with these damn memories! I don't need them haunting me! I noticed the gun on the table.

I grabbed my notepad, a pen, and wrote my note. A note about how I couldn't take it, how stupid I was, and how Deeks should just open the damn box already. And how much I loved them. A few tears got onto my paper. I walked into the bathroom and started crying freely, carrying my gun, my hand wouldn't stop shaking.

I sat on the toilet, my hand shaking, the beatings echoing in my mind. I raised it to my head, and then pulled the trigger.

* * *

><p><strong>Deeks' Point of view<strong>

I was half way to my apartment when I realized that I forgot my keys at Kensi's. I swerved around and drove back. When I came up her street, and parked the car, I heard a gunshot.

No, she couldn't have. I ran into her apartment.

"Kensi!" I yelled. "Kens!" I ran into the bathroom in her room and saw her, sitting on the floor, crying. The gun was next to her, and a hole in the wall in the shower.

She missed. Thank god I forgot my keys. I got down on the floor, and hugged her tightly.

* * *

><p>Kensi's Point of View<p>

I knew I missed. I knew it when I could still hear myself crying, and when I could hear Deeks screaming my name. He opened the door and pulled me into a hug.

"I had to, Deeks." I sobbed. "I couldn't take it anymore."

"Kens, you didn't have to. Do you know how depressed I would be if you were on target?" he said, tears in his eyes. He hugged me again, and we just sat there on the floor for a while. I felt his tears drop on my face.

I couldn't believe how crazy I was. I couldn't believe that my partner loved me this much.


	8. Chapter 8

"Kensi having a panic attack after having come home. maybe there is a thunder storm in L.A and kensi thinks thunder is bombs she heard Afghanistan."

**Based on the prompt from "Katie" (above). Thanks a bunch. For reading and liking this story. I'm going through a bump in the road of life and really appreciate it. **

It was a little bit after my failed suicide attempt. After talking to Nate over the phone, I was going to a therapist. But she wasn't a shitty one who asks you about your feelings. She, Dr. Simone Estefani, was a retired combat veteran who knows what Afghanistan was like and she understands.

Deeks sometimes went with me, but he had to come back to work a few days ago. I hoped that he didn't tell Hetty about it, or else I would kill him. Well, maybe not kill him, but seriously hurt him.

Anyway, I looked out of my window from my kitchen and saw clouds forming. Little ones, which were a pale gray. I shut all of my windows and sat down on my couch, after locking all of my guns in a safe, except for one above the door.

I heard a large boom. One which I heard too many times. Bomb. I rushed to my phone, scared as hell. I called Deeks, I needed to know if he was okay.

"Deeks!" I yelled into the phone. "Deeks!" I was praying that he would pick up.

"Kens, you alright?" he asked.

"Are you?" I asked, gasping. "I heard bombs, did you?"

"Kens, it's a thunderstorm. I'll ask Hetty if I can come over. It doesn't sound like you're doing too well." he said.

"Would you?" I asked. I wasn't afraid to say that I needed him. After a few minutes, he arrived at my doorstep, wet as hell, and cold.

"Oh my god!" I laughed. Probably for the first time in a while. I went into my bathroom and grabbed a towel. He wrapped himself in it and shook his shaggy hair like a dog.

"You're becoming more and more like Monty." I said. He looked at me with his signature squint.

"Don't insult me, Kensi. I ran in the rain for you." he said. He got closer to me.

"Oh please don't tell me that this is going to be one of those awkward moments." I said.

"Who said that?" asked Deeks. "I want a coffee pronto. Wait, forgot you can't cook."

I laughed. What was with him and insulting my culinary skills? While he was making the coffee (and getting my kitchen super wet), he started singing to some song. I was sprawled out on the couch, since my meds were making me feel queasy, listening to him sing, smiling. I had no idea that my feelings for him were this strong. It was like this pull, which I then let go of.

"You want some?" he asked, handing me the coffee mug, which I didn't take.

"No thank you." I said. "I can't. I don't feel so well."

"I should go then." he said. "Luckily this is to- go." He walked over towards the door.

"Wait!" I said. "Let me show you out." I didn't bother to get my coat, and just followed him out to the cold rain. The raindrops were going down my back, sending chills up my spine, but I ignored it.

"I guess your sunshine's gone. Still got your gunpowder?" I asked. Where the hell did that come from?!

"Nope." he said, his face close to mine. "Both are standing next to me." His lips then touched mine. He smiled, and ran off to his car.


	9. Chapter 9

**One week later... **

I was getting better. Ish. I wasn't as scared as I was before, but I wasn't fully healthy yet. It was time to put on my big girl pants, and act like everything was had been one week since the kiss in the rain, since the thunderstorm, since I started coming up from drowning in sadness and fear.

I had passed my physical and mental, for now. Nate isn't really convinced, but he knows me well enough to know that the field was a good place.

I pulled on a pink shirt and some jeans. Just like the old days. I pulled on some jeans, ate some sugary cereal over the sink, and got into my car. I haven't driven it in so long. Deeks dropped it off at my house a few days ago. I didn't see him, but he called to tell me that I'd been sleeping so peacefully on my bed, and that he just dropped it off in my driveway.

I sighed, and turned on the ignition. I drove a different route, like always, and wondered what Deeks was doing now, while listening to the blaring techno music that I play all the time.

I was afraid what they were going to think. Was I the weak, beaten, afraid Kensi Blye like they found me? Or was I the brave Badass Blye they'd come to know? The one who hated hospitals, the one who had a junk food addiction but still looked pretty fit? I pulled up to OSP, and grabbed my coffee from the cup holder. I took a deep breath, and opened the door.

I could hear them saying, "Kensi" or something like that.

"Sounds like she's back to me." said Callen.

"She is." said Sam. "Eyyyy."

"Kensi!" said Callen. They all seemed pretty excited to see me.

"Hey." I said. I was okay. I tried not to let it show so much.

" Oh, I got you a coffee." said my partner. It's like he was also trying to hide the stuff we did together these past few days. "A double espresso with almond milk and two packets of… you already got… a cup."

"I do. Thanks." I said. Another bland reply.

"How are you?" asked Callen.

"Good." I said. How do I stop with these bland replies?"

"Yeah?" asked Sam. He wasn't so convinced.

"Really good." I said, trying to step up my game, but not too much.

"You look good. I mean… that you seem good by the way that you look." said Deeks awkwardly. I smiled a tiny bit.

"It's because I am good." I replied.

"Good." said Callen.

"Good." said Deeks. Why all the goods?

"Good." said Sam. Again?

"Kensi, looking goooood!" I heard the voice of a familar friend. Eric. "Back just in time. We've got a case, guys."

"Welcome back." said Callen, as he went past me.

"Thanks." I said. Happy Kensi was running out.

"Welcome back." said Sam. He went upstairs with the boys. I sighed. How long was I able to hide this? How long until they'd know something was up?

I dropped off my bag and went upstairs. The doors of Ops opened, and I looked around. If they hadn't found me, I'd never see this place again. Everyone was looking at me. Awkward.

"Kens." said Nell, as she typed on the computer and made eye contact with me.

"Hey, Nell." I replied.

"Here's your welcome home prize," said Eric, motioning to the big screen. "Let's tell her what she's won." Why can't people just drop the damn conversation?! They started talking about some guy who was attacked. Former Marines?

"Let's go, partner." said Deeks, as he stood next to me.

"Actually," said Nell. "Hetty wants to speak to you both." Deeks and I looked at each other. There was no way she could've found out. Not unless she had someone spying on me.

"Okay." I said. Once the briefing was done, I made my way down to Hetty's desk with Deeks following me.

"You wanted to see us, Hetty?" I asked.

"Yes, but first, I'd like to join everyone here in welcoming you home." said Hetty. She probably knew.

Shit. This was either the end of our partnership, or another beginning.

**so I forgot what Hetty said to Kensi and Deeks when she told Kensi to stay back a bit. If anyone knows, please tell me in reviews or PM me. **


	10. Windfall

**Forgive me if I make any mistakes with the script. Does anyone know the correct dialogue for the conversation between Hetty and Kensi at the end of the episode? And sooooo sorry for the long wait! I have so much homework and with buying gifts for Christmas and writing a newsletter, and working on my hopefully-will-become-#1-best-seller original stories etc, I haven't had much time to update. But hopefully, will start soon!**

**And please, if anyone knows the script for the Densi break up scene, that would be greatly appreciated! (three hearts) **

* * *

><p>Hearing, that after coming home after months of not seeing my team, talking to my team, or even being in America, that I couldn't even work with my own partner, was shocking, but I wasn't surprised.<p>

After some agent died, Hetty would probably want to keep me "safe" from myself. She must've been afraid that I'd freeze or something like that. She's smart, becuase I probably would. But it was time to put on a show, the Kensi Blye is Sane show.

I couldn't stop myself from giving Nell a mean glare. She didn't do anything. I'd just thought that she'd say something. But she smiled a bit, and I continued up, watching them leave the Mission. I went upstairs into Ops.

There was Eric on his computer, typing away and I just decided to sit down and chill out, knowing I'd be no help at all. I couldn't believe I was back home. I was playing a tablet that someone had given me, and I was bored as hell, and knew that I would better off in the field with Deeks. Like old times.

Time flew by and then it didn't. I sat next to Eric and began to annoy him. Just for fun.

"Could you please stop?" he asked, his voice a little aggravated.

"_I tap and I hum when I'm bored. I also whistle and I click my tongue._" I said, continuing my "annoyingness." Eric continued typing and I went down to the bathroom. I saw flashes of it. I hurried into the bathroom, and made sure to put on the smiling Kensi.

I went into a stall and locked the door, once making sure that no one was in there. "Come on, Kensi." I told myself. "You can survive without him."

Another flash. Whipping. I touched my back, kind of feeling the rough scars that rested on my back. I could still feel the pain. Tears.

"No." I said. "No." I swung open the door and washed my face at least 5 times until I had to courage to go upstairs again. I went into Ops and found that I was alone. Only for the few techs and the computers.

I just kind of zoned out the rest of the day, until Nell came back.

"Hey, Nell." I said. "How was the field?"

She started saying a few things, but the part that really got me was, ""_You know when you really want something. And you get it but somehow it's not the way wanted it at all._" Of course I did.

After the case was solved, we all were downstairs when Hetty called me to her desk.

"Due Adrian Davis' cooperation the DOJ has decided to consider his punishment, time served." said Hetty.

"That's great!" I said. Hopefully this would go in the right direction.

"Yes." said Hetty, still keeping a straight face, but with a little smile

Here it goes: "Would you consider uhmm... doing the same for me?"

"Keeping you here wasn't meant as punishment, Ms.. Blye." said Hetty.

"I know." I said quietly. Better than being beaten.

"The truth is, I don't know, if you're ready. That being said, I don't know that keeping you here would provide... revelations. We won't know, will we? Until you're back out there." said Hetty, like a concerned mother, and then smiled a bit.

I smiled. A real smile. I was back, for real.

"Your friends have missed you, dearly. Go." said Hetty. I went back over to Deeks.

Once Deeks and I pretended to reconnect after so long, the guys went home and it was us in the driveway, sitting by the car.

"Do you want to go?" he asked, not mentioning how today went. Which I was glad for. I didn't need to be reminded.

"Yeah. I think that would be okay." I said, softly, trying not to show my distress show. Flashes of torture hug my mind. Jack. Taliban. _"I found love." "Her name was Mustana." "We had a daughter." "I let go of my past." "I'm not the man you remember." _

I feel Deeks' strong arms around me and touch my cheek. Tears. I must've thought too hard.

The next thing he says kind of hurts, but is also the truth on so many levels.

"I don't know if you're ready, Kens." he said, brushing away my tears.

"I don't know, Deeks. As long as I can convince them that-" I started.

"What? That you're okay? That you're not thinking about this all the time? That you're crying in the bathroom?" he said. "And for what, just to go into the field and freeze up all of a sudden while the bad guys are shooting at us?" He looks at me and brushes some stray hairs off of my face. "I can't loose you again."

"And you won't." I said, pulling about of arms and getting into the passenger seat. "Let's just go."

He didn't say anything the whole ride back to my house. Neither did I.


	11. Three Hearts

**Sorry for the script details! I don't have a copy and I'm trying to watch Densi vids and see if I can get anything after. Now I'm going to start to do Kensi's POV after episodes unless it's super big Densi or something with Afghanistan. **

I walked up to Deeks, dragging my feet a bit. For the first time in forever, we officially got to talk about our thing. No crying, no sleeping together. Just Kensi and Deeks. At work. At our home.

I walk up to his desk. He looks up at me.

"So, about our thing." I say, placing my hands onto his desk. I didn't know what to say. I was kind of in this weird place where I wanted to continue our thing, but then again, I didn't care.

"Right, about our thing."

He talked a bit, and then handed me the knife. I was shattered, but didn't show it. He, the man who kissed me under the rain, who held me as I sobbed. The man I used as MY tether while I was tortured. I took the knife, and put it near the box. His eyes followed, anxious as well.

I took the knife, and cut the tape. Let him see what it was, if he had the courage. I left, leaving him and the box, while I tried to keep my tears in.

"No, no, no." I whispered, as I ran out the Mission doors, into the dark, starry night. I opened my car door, and shut it. I didn't want him to come out. I didn't want him to see.

I started my car engine and pressed onto the gas pedal, pushing, farther, farther. Just a few blocks away, in some suburban neighborhood where the houses were all painted white with different colored doors, I turned off the car,

And began to cry.

* * *

><p>I took the day off today. After a restless night, I didn't want to go back to see him. I knew that he might come around to see how I was, probably bringing some Yummy Yummy Heart Attack. And for that made sure I locked the door.<p>

I had an appointment with my therapist, who I still decided to see, and was going to see my mom for a bit.

"So Kensi, how are you doing? Any better? Any worse?" asked Simone as I sat in her office later that morning.

"I don't know. My boyfriend broke up with me, and I... still get flashbacks." I said, sighing a bit.

"Oh. And was it a heavy break up or an easy one?" asked Simone, writing a bit of notes down on her clipboard.

"In the middle. But it hurt a lot. I mean, he rescued me. Just before I was shipped off, he and I agreed to go slow on our relationship, but to start. And now it's gone." I said.

"Okay. And do you know why you're still getting flashbacks?" asked Simone, changing the subject.

"I don't know. I just can't let them go. When I try, they just hit... me harder." I said, my voice cracking. I put my head in my hands as tears started to trickle out a bit. I felt Simone touch my hand.

"You need a tissue?" she asked, handing me the box of Kleenex. I sniffled and took one.

"I don't know why I'm so weak. I'm usually super tough." I said, blowing my nose. I glanced at my watch. "I have to go meet my mom."

"Sometimes the worst brings out the weakest out of us." said Simone. "And Kensi," she said as I got up.

"Yeah?"

"I'd let go of him as a boyfriend, but bring him in as a friend." said Simone as I opened the door.

"I'll keep that in mind." I said, as I left.

* * *

><p>At my mother's, I sat on her blue floral chair, while she sat in the matching one across from me, holding a cup of tea.<p>

I'd just told her I'd been tortured in Afghanistan. She was in shock, but pretended like she wasn't that hurt. But I knew my mother, she wasn't like that.

"I made my famous chicken parmesan." she smiled, going into the kitchen and got the hot yellow pan out of the oven. She knew I was coming, and knew that that was my favorite meal that she ever made.

"Come on, Kensi." she smiled, setting the table. "Let a mother baby her little girl." I smiled a bit and gave in. Once I walked into the kitchen, she hugged me tightly. Just like the first time I went to her house after 15 years of not seeing her. I didn't say anything, but hugged her back.

"Now, how about we eat, and you can tell me all about Deeks." she said, sitting down. It hurt, but I told myself that she didn't know. I had to tell her.

"So, baby?" Mom said, cutting her chicken. "Is it good?"

"Super." I replied, my mouth full of it. "And, Mom."

"Yes?" she asked.

"Deeks and I... well... we aren't-" I couldn't go on without my voice breaking.

"Oh" said my mom. "And do you plan on going back to work soon?"

"Hopefully." I said, getting more chicken onto my fork. We ate in silence for the rest of the meal.

**Sorry not much happens. In the next chapter, I'll try to add some juice. **


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